I’ve come to the realization that I am a control freak.
Yeah, you’re reading that right. I’m letting you know now, I am a self-proclaimed control freak. And I think God would agree. I like to make sure things are done just right. And not in an OCD, perfectionist kind of way, in a “I really do know what’s best” kind of way. (Condescending much?) I’m the one who weighs the strengths and weaknesses in every situation. I’m the one who takes charge and assigns roles for group projects in school. I’m the one who takes the lead in pretty much every situation. I’m a natural leader and truly, I see that as one of my greatest gifts from God. But no gift comes without it’s problems. Nothing great comes without a struggle. If I’m not in the lead, if I’m not in charge, if I’m not in control, I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I get angry. And this has become one of my greatest faults, one of my greatest sins.
Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was speaking with a girl whose face I didn’t recognize. She was telling me all about her struggles with mental health, her struggles with anxiety. She was telling me about the discussions she had been having with her doctor and her internal struggle as to whether she would try medication or not. I could see it in her eyes, to her this seemed like a failure. So I looked back at her and I calmly said, “I take Sertraline every day and I’ve been prescribed Xanax for anxiety attacks.”
In high school, I would literally cry when I got a “bad grade” in school. And just to clarify, I’m not talking bad grades as in D’s or F’s, oh no, I’m talking anything BUT an A+. (Yeah, I was that kind of student…) Looking back now, I can’t believe how hard I was on myself. Looking back I laugh at that silly sixteen-year-old crying that she wouldn’t get into college because she got a B in Algebra. Looking back on that girl, that girl I used to be, has made me realize how far I’ve come. It wasn’t easy and it most definitely didn’t happen overnight, but since my sophomore year of high school I’ve learned to be gentler with myself. I’ve learned to accept my failures as an opportunity for growth, to trust in His plan over mine, and to know that as long as I did the absolute BEST I could with what I had, that was enough.
I want to start off by saying that this post was not scheduled for today. I have a content calendar, and for the most part I stick to it. But God has a funny way of working sometimes, and today, He said, “Shannon, you’re going to write this instead. Save the makeup post for another day.” So…here we are.
You’re checking off all the boxes, you’re crushing your goals, you’re feeling inspired, you’re motivated, you’re killing the game, and then suddenly, one day you wake up and it feels like you’ve been hit by a truck. Maybe physically, but mostly creatively. Your inspiration has tanked, your motivation is gone, and you’ve hit a wall. You’re feeling discouraged.
I was sitting in traffic, a stoplight was out on my way to school at a 12 lane intersection.
Here’s the truth, I’ve had an easy life. Plain and simple, I grew up in a beautiful house with a big yard to play and a custom canopy bed to sleep in every night. I’ve always had everything I needed and most things I wanted too, food on the table, clean water to drink….
Be like Nike, just do it. I mean it. For real, it might be awkward at first, but let’s be real you talk to yourself all the time! So look in the mirror every morning and give yourself a compliment OUT LOUD.
“Hey, girlfriend, your hair looks really good today. And you really kicked butt on yesterday’s math test. You look fire in these jeans. This eyeshadow makes your eyes look gorgeous. You are BEAUTIFUL.”