I’ve come to the realization that I am a control freak.
Yeah, you’re reading that right. I’m letting you know now, I am a self-proclaimed control freak. And I think God would agree. I like to make sure things are done just right. And not in an OCD, perfectionist kind of way, in a “I really do know what’s best” kind of way. (Condescending much?) I’m the one who weighs the strengths and weaknesses in every situation. I’m the one who takes charge and assigns roles for group projects in school. I’m the one who takes the lead in pretty much every situation. I’m a natural leader and truly, I see that as one of my greatest gifts from God. But no gift comes without it’s problems. Nothing great comes without a struggle. If I’m not in the lead, if I’m not in charge, if I’m not in control, I get annoyed. I get frustrated. I get angry. And this has become one of my greatest faults, one of my greatest sins.
You may have noticed it’s been a while since I’ve been here on the blog or on social media. I wish I could say I’ve been on some spiritual social media cleanse, that I’ve been focusing on really living life instead of just documenting it, but the truth is I’ve just been really freakin’ busy. Sun up to sun down (and later) on-the-go kind of busy. Passed out in bed with my work shoes still on kind of busy. Don’t have time for you, don’t have time for this, don’t have time for that, I’m busy is always my excuse kind of busy.
That’s where I’ve been. I’ve been working and I’ve been using my work as an excuse to slack off on many of the things I love. On the things that matter. On the things He wants me to be doing.
So here’s what happened. Here’s why I’m writing this. Last Saturday I left for a week long mission trip to Puerto Rico. When I got on that plane as the sun came up, I was tense, I was stressed, I was overwhelmed and completely unsure if going on this trip was the right decision. When I signed up to go I was in a very different place than I was last weekend. Last fall when I made plans to go on the trip, I was doing great spiritually. I was close with Christ. But lately, I haven’t been. Lately, I’ve had a lot to do all the time. I’ve had a business to run. I’ve had people to please. And I was terrified that leaving it all for just one week would cause everything to fall apart. I was convinced that the world would stop moving if I took a break. I became so wrapped up in being in control, in thinking I could do it all, that I lost sight of what mattered. And it was hurting me. It was hurting the ones I loved.
The truth is, I haven’t been a very good friend lately. I haven’t been a very good blogger. I haven’t been very good to myself. And I definitely haven’t been a very good daughter to the one true King. I didn’t crack open my bible for months. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t going to church. And it was all because I claimed I was too busy. But the truth is, I just wanted to stay in control.
So long story short, my trip was amazing. And I plan to reflect on that in more posts soon, because the trip was truly a once in a life time experience. I got to do some amazing things, like bioluminescent snorkeling. I got to spend hours upon hours with the most wonderful kids in need. I got to grow closer to Christ and witness His creation in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. But the whole time my head was stuck in another place. We would bow our heads to pray and my mind would wander to the list of things I needed to get done. We would sing praise and by the end of the song I wouldn’t be singing, because I was so distracted. I would lay awake at night thinking of the mess I would have to clean up when I got home.
I was so scared of losing control. I became obsessed with it. And then I came home. I walked into work last night, took a deep breath, sure things would be in shambles. Much to my surprise, the building was still standing. In fact, everything was still exactly as it should be. The floors were clean. The shelves were organized. Customers were still in line. And it me like a ton of bricks, as I saw the sweetest sign reading, “Welcome Back Shannon.”
He is good and He is in control.
Not me. Not you. HE is in control. And I lost sight of that over the last few months. I became obsessed with doing it all myself, with following my own path. I ignored His call. I stopped doing the things I felt Him pulling me to do and focused only on work, I focused only on the busyness, only on being in control of my own future. I ignored what the Bible tells us in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”
Friends, this is not a suggestion. This is law. Losing sight of the Lord never works out well for us, and yet, we still continue to allow it to happen. Why? I don’t quite know. But I know I want to continue pushing through it, I want to continue sharing my ups and downs in this walk with Christ with you. And I know that’s where He’s calling me.
So here’s my question for you, are you a control freak? You probably don’t think so. I know I didn’t. But are you allowing Him to be in control of your life? Are you really? Or are you ignoring His call when it leads you away from the path you have laid out for yourself?
Think about it. And give it all to Him. Trust in Him. Don’t just say you do, really do it. God will provide and He will take care of it all. So let go, lose control, and give it to God.
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