Last night I had a dream. In the dream I was speaking with a girl whose face I didn’t recognize. She was telling me all about her struggles with mental health, her struggles with anxiety. She was telling me about the discussions she had been having with her doctor and her internal struggle as to whether she would try medication or not. I could see it in her eyes, to her this seemed like a failure. So I looked back at her and I calmly said, “I take Sertraline every day and I’ve been prescribed Xanax for anxiety attacks.”Read More
“You don’t have anything to be anxious about”
I know. And that’s just it. That’s what’s so hard. That’s what consumes me, overwhelms me, brings me to my breaking point. That’s exactly what I think about day in and day out. I am guilt-ridden about this anxiety. I look at my life and I wonder why I am like this. I wonder why simple tasks sometimes send me into a whirlwind. Simple problems that most people brush off consume my conscious and sometimes unconscious thoughts, and I don’t know why.
And every time I hear those words I know they are true. From an outsider’s perspective I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about. I shouldn’t feel this way. I’m fine, I really am. I’m happy. I’m blessed. Life is good, in fact it’s better than good. It’s great. There are people who would love to have my life. I’m doing great in school, I have amazing friends and family, I’m head over heels in love. I have so many opportunities ahead of me, I’m excited for the future. My life is great. But then, all of a sudden, out of the blue my mind begins to spin, my heart begins to race, tears start to flow, I have a panic attack, and I don’t know why. I was fine and then I wasn’t. And that’s what anxiety looks like for me.
For a long time I told myself that this was the reason I had to stay quiet about my anxiety, on my blog, to my friends, to the world. I have a great life, I don’t have some exciting story to tell, there isn’t a big hurdle I’ve overcome. I’m just a normal, small town girl with a simple life. But I will not downplay my struggle any longer. Because I don’t want to miss the oppurtunity to share this with someone else who feels the same. I don’t want to miss a chance to make sure you know that you are NOT alone. To make sure you know that there is NOT something wrong with you. To make sure you know that you are valid, your thoughts, your fears, your anxiety, it is valid. And you are perfectly imperfect just as He created you, anxiety or not.
So that’s why I’m sharing this today. I’m not sharing about my anxiety for your pity. I don’t want it, I don’t need it. Please do not waste your precious moments on this earth feeling pity for me. (And Grandma, I know you’re reading this, I really mean it.) My heart is so full and anxiety doesn’t change that, not at all. In fact I think it just makes it even fuller. I recently asked God “why”? And I don’t try to make that a habit, but I was so overwhelmed, so frustrated so I asked Him that question. And I heard His answer loud and clear.
One of my goals for 2018 was to say YES to God when he calls, so this post is me saying yes. This is me putting it all on the line because for some reason or another He wants me to share it with you.
Sending lots of love your way.