Recently I began posting openly here on the blog and on social media about Jesus Christ. This is something I’ve been feeling called to do for quite some time, but fear always held me back.
Last week, I began to feel that fear resurfacing as I worked on future content. I started to question what people were going to think of me. What will they say? Will they call me out? Will they call me a hypocrite? Will they comment on the way I dress? The way I speak? The way I walk in daily life as a young Christian woman, flawed and riddled with sin? Will someone do that? I already know the answer to my question. It isn’t a matter of if, it’s the matter of when. And that’s scary.
I’ve always struggled with what others think of me. I’ve always been an over-explainer, afraid that someone will misunderstand my intentions making them out to be something they’re not.
Last Thursday night I went out with some friends to a John Crist comedy show. In all honestly, I didn’t care too much about going. I’d seen his videos floating around Facebook and sure, they were funny. But I didn’t really think I would get a lot out of this show. Throughout his act I laughed hysterically, big, gross, snorting laughs with tears running down my face. And although I was enjoying his show, I still didn’t feel too much. I was having a good time, but I definitely didn’t think I was going to feel Jesus at his show. I even caught myself questioning at one point, “Is this guy really Christian?”
But then I realized I was no different than him. I realized what a hypocrite I was being. I think horrible things more often than I’d like to admit. I crack “dirty” jokes. I wear “revealing” clothing. I spend time engulfed in society’s media, when I could, and should, be engulfed in the Word. And I judge others. I judge their looks, I judge their actions, I judge who I have determined, in the 10 seconds I have seen them, that person is. I judge if they are a Christian. But I often do this without looking at myself.
I think this is something we all do. We all have a certain image we each hold in our minds as to who a “Christian” is. For some it may be someone very conservative, for others, it may be a more modern interpretation. But I realized, even as I’m calling my very sinful self a Christian, I have still be conjuring up this idea of who other Christians are. Especially figures like John, who influence the masses in regards to Jesus’ word.
So there I was, laughing at this show, thinking Jesus wasn’t in that room up until the very end. But then, very casual, pretty quick, just before he said goodnight, John talked about the “message” of his show. He talked about judgment in the church. He talked about the uptight feeling that surrounds the church. He talked about the importance of remembering we are human beings.
And that’s when it hit me. That’s when I heard God say, “Gotcha!”
My sinful heart, my neaive spirit, my human being mind did it again. Just when I thought God wasn’t with me, He proved me wrong. And I know He will. Again and again and again.
Because God knows the way to my heart, as I was thinking about this the other day, driving home from school a new Christian song called, “How Could I be Silent” began playing on the radio. And it really spoke to my soul. In the song, artist, Caitie Hurst sings,
“I don't care what anybody thinks about me
You're the only one that I need
No, I don't care what anybody thinks about me
How could I be silent when there's all this joy inside my heart
How could I be quiet when you gave me light to pierce the dark
How could I be silent, I will not be silent
Even though my sin had left crimson, you washed away those stains
And the grace you've given is the reason I'll never be the same
How could I be silent, I will not be silent, how could I be silent”
So I will not be silent. I will not care what others say, and chances are at some point or another, someone will say something. I will cast away the fear. Because I am a Christian, a very flawed, sinful, human Christian, and it is still my duty to spread Jesus’ love in everything I do. So I will do just that.
Happy Monday friends, Jesus loves you.